Written by Melanie Khashadorian
Staying together for the kids may seem like a noble decision, but what many people don’t realise is that it often causes more harm than good.
A recent article in Psychology Today touched on the negative impacts of staying together for the sake of your children, and what the lasting impact may be. Before making the decision, it’s crucial to realise the emotional and psychological toll this may take on your children. While there can be many consequences depending on the situation, the main three are the below.
Alliances
Parents who find themselves in an unhappy marriage often struggle to conceal any dislike they may have for each other, which can lead to a "us versus the other parent" dynamic. While this may not be done on purpose, it can lead to the children feeling as though they are stuck between their parents’ conflict, greatly damaging the relationship. When children are brought into these alliances, they may distance themselves physically and emotionally, which then leads to a lack of closeness with the parents. On top of this, research shows that children in high-conflict families experience a strong sense of being stuck or caught in the middle.
Parentification
Parentification happens when a parent looks to their child for support rather than providing it. In an unhappy marriage, this may happen unintentionally, and can put the child in a position where they assume an adult role or responsibility. In these instances, emotional parentification can also take place. This is where a parent relies on the child for emotional support, perhaps sharing inappropriate conflicts, marital issues or seeking reassurance about the marriage. This forces the child to prioritise the parent's needs over their own, acting as a pseudo-spouse or friend. This can cause long-term negative effects on the child, including difficulties in emotional regulation, disrupted peer relationships, dissociation, and depression.
Poor Modelling of Healthy Relationships
Our relationship as parents is the first example of a relationship our children have to learn about what a relationship looks like. Children take it at face value and see this relationship as ‘normal’ and it sets their standard for what relationship should be and how a partner is treated. Children do what they see and not what we tell them generally so it is really hard to get around this one. In the future it can lead to them staying in unfulfilling relationships, thinking conflict is normal or even a sign of love or even treating their partner’s poorly.
I think I’m in this situation – what do I do?
While the intention to provide a stable family environment is commendable and understandable, it’s crucial to recognise that staying together solely for the children can have detrimental effects. Prioritising the emotional and psychological well-being of both the parents and the children often involves making difficult decisions, which might include separation. Creating a harmonious and supportive environment, even if it means living apart, is more beneficial for children's overall development and future happiness.
If you feel as though you need guidance through this process, for yourself or your child, you can get in touch with our team.
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