Written by Melanie Khashadorian
One of the most common issues couples bring up in relationship counselling is, “We need to work on our communication!” Communication is a relationship goes beyond talking, so it's completely understandable that this comes up. There are basic elements we need to learn to be able to communicate effectively, that will help in all facet of our lives.
In order to do this, you need:
Willingness to communicate: Both partners need to be motivated to talk and listen.
Clarity: You both need to be straightforward and clear in expressing thoughts.
Assertiveness: Confidently sharing feelings without being aggressive.
Empathy: It's crucial to understand your partner’s point of view.
Active listening: Really hearing what your partner is saying.
Comfortable setting: A calm environment that encourages open discussion.
As Tillet and French mention in their book Resolving Conflict, 'Effective communication means that what is meant is said, and that what is said is meant. It also means that what is said is heard, and that what is meant is understood.'
Why Do Conversations Get So Messy?
Unlike work or social interactions, relationships involve deeper emotions. Often, what we say doesn’t fully express what we mean, and what we hear isn’t exactly what our partner intended. This confusion is common, especially with those we care about most.
This happens because we all bring a “blueprint” into our relationships, shaped by our genetics, personality, and past experiences.
These factors make certain situations more triggering for us. When triggered, we might feel tightness in our chest, tension in our head, or other physical reactions. Different experts have various names for this. The Gottmans, known for their relationship research, call it “emotional flooding,” while Dan Siegel refers to it as “flipping the lid,” referring to our frontal lobe no longer firing at ideal capacity. Others describe it as going into “fight or flight” mode.
Regardless of the name, the experience is the same—we become so overwhelmed that we can no longer listen or communicate effectively. This is when even the best communication techniques break down.
What Should You Do When Emotions Take Over?
When emotions are high, taking a break (or “time-out”) is key. Continuing to talk during this state only escalates things, even though you might feel the urge to push your point harder. Taking at least 20 minutes to cool down helps your brain return to a state where it can think clearly. During this time, focus on calming activities like deep breathing or distraction—don’t just sit and dwell on what upset you.
It’s also helpful to recognise when your partner is overwhelmed. If you’re still calm, you can guide the situation by suggesting a break or offering comforting words. Be mindful of how you suggest this—saying something like, “You’re getting triggered again; you need a time-out,” can sound dismissive. Instead, try, “I really want to hear what you’re saying, but let’s take a break and continue this after dinner.”
So, What's Next?
Relationships are driven by emotions, so understanding your own triggers and your partner’s is essential for better communication. Taking breaks when needed, practicing self-soothing, and approaching conversations with empathy can make communication in your relationship much smoother. Remember, it’s not just about the words—it’s about making sure both you and your partner feel truly heard and valued.
For those who feel like they need some communication guidance, our Better Together Relationships 3- step program helps open the lines between yourself and your partner. You can find out more here!
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